Wednesday, 18 March 2009

I-i-i-in 1!

Jim Bowen has finally been released from prison after serving 27 years behind bars for ABH (annoying Bullseye host). The Court of Appeal overruled his original conviction, declaring it "unsafe" due to new DNA evidence.
He has claimed compensation for wrongful imprisonment, which the Justice Secretary Jack Straw will be counting out during the commercial break.

Make up your own jokes...

A new study, conducted on behalf of Natural England and the People's Trust for Endangered Species, has suggested that the re-introduction of beavers into the UK could "benefit the environment". Professor John Gurnell, of Queen Mary College, University of London and one of the report's authors, said beavers acted as "ecosystem engineers" and could provide many benefits, including alleviating risks of both flooding and drought, boosting water quality and helping wildlife and agriculture.
He added that there was no evidence beavers spread disease, which seems incredibly irresponsible given the government's current ad campaigns on the dangers of STDs. Next thing you know the Pope will be suggesting that condoms actually increase the spread of HIV/AIDS.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The Dam Busters (1955) -

True story of war
And casual racism.
Bombed in Germany.

Monday, 16 March 2009


Many apologies are due to a Mr Josef Fritzl of Austria, whose picture was accidentally featured in the previous blog about Chris Tarrant (pictured). It should be pointed out that Mr Fritzl is not guilty of any assaults committed in Esher and has never tortured children publicly on television. Furthermore, he has no connection with the aforementioned 'monster', Chris Tarrant.
We are very sorry for any distress this mistake may have caused and hope that this statement will help to rectify the matter.

Saturday night's alright for fighting...

Quiz host and doyen of Saturday night television, Chris Tarrant (pictured), was arrested on Thursday after police were called to a domestic dispute at his Esher home. The 62-year-old was questioned by officers after a woman claimed she had been assaulted, although he was later released without charge and Surrey Police said no further action was being taken. One wonders if this is yet another example of 'The Colour of Money', since Mr Tarrant has a record of assaulting innocent members of the public with custard pies and imprisoning minors in cages and then torturing them by throwing buckets of cold water over them on his once-popular show Tiswas. The jury is still out on this one.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Slumdog Millionaire (2008) -

Film based on game show
Conquers the Oscars. What next?
'Eggheads, the movie'!

Saturday, 14 March 2009

What a relief!

Congratulations are in order for all those involved with this year's Comic Relief campaign, which last night raised a record-breaking £57,809,938 for charity. As usual with these benefits the standard of the actual skits performed was of variable quality, with highlights coming from 'Gavin and Stacey's Smithy (James Corden) berating the England football team, and French and Saunders performing their last ever sketch, a pastiche of 'Mamma Mia!', but a series of sketches set in Africa being particularly unfunny; who writes these things?
The evening was not without controversy, however, as the usually meek Angus Deayton 'buggered' Davina McCall some two hours before the watershed.
What is quite miraculous though is that even in these times of economic strife the great British public can reach deep into their collective pocket to raise such a massive amount for others. Prime Minister Gordon 'Aloysius' Brown has taken note, and later today plans a sponsored climb to the top of the G20 summit. Good luck and godspeed to you, sir.
On the subject of God, Pope Benito XVI this week admitted that he was wrong to lift the excommunication of a bishop who had denied the Holocaust. He stated that insufficient background checks had been made on Bishop Richard Williamson by the Vatican, and that in future more attention would be paid to the Internet as a source of information; a new website, called Wikipaedophile, is also planned.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Sweet Charity (1969) -

What more could you want?
Whores in song and dance numbers -
It's the Fosse way.