EuroLottery...

Excitement reaches fever pitch in the race for the Presidency of the EU, which will finally be decided tonight by the leaders of the 27 member states.
Current front runner, Belgian Prime Minister Herman van Rompuy (possibly pictured?), is backed by not only the European dwarf nations, but also the corpulent giants of France and Germany.
Resistance to this, however, is likely to come from Gordon 'Aloysius' Brown, who still 'fancies' Tony Blair, and from the Irish, who to a man stated: 'After last night's shenanigans, we cannot possibly support anyone backed by those cheating bloody Frogs!' Pundits confidently predict that by this time tomorrow the newly ratified Lisbon Treaty will be lying in tatters, smeared with 27 different types of excrement.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The Candidate (1972) -

Good hair, gleaming teeth,
Political corruption;
O, how the world turns!

Bully Beef!

Open letter to all members of the Prison Officers' Association:

These allegations that the Prison Service is run by a climate of fear and that managers use bullying techniques on their staff is completely unfounded. Now, bloody well get back to work or I'll come down there and beat seven shades of shit out of you (and have your lunch money while I'm at it). You bunch of gaylords - try being in the cabinet!

Yours truly,

Jack Straw

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Escape From Alcatraz (1979) -

Once 'The Prisoner',
McGoohan becomes warden.
Be seeing you, Clint!

I'm back!

After a brief hiatus (I say brief in the interests of keeping this brief), it transpires that the world has moved on in my absence. So what's going on today?
Prospective Labour councilor for Havering, Peter White, described the Queen as 'vermin' on an Opposition MP's Facebook page. He later apologised, stating 'I mean't to say she wears ermine'.
In related news, David Cameron has criticised the forthcoming Queen's speech, indicating that it is 'to be shameless'. In its defence, Harriet Harman told the BBC: 'I don't think it is right that we should be clocking-off now before a general election'. Paul Abbott strenuously denies any involvement.

And finally, today's Haiku Film Review:

The Queen (2006) -

Ms. Mirren fans note:
She didn't get her kit off,
But still won Oscar.

"Rehab" - 1934 Noel Coward Original.

Terribly flat, rehab.

Alistair Darling's New Sideline...

Cassetteboy vs The Bloody Apprentice

Cole is 'world's sexiest woman'

In a shock result this week, veteran actress Stephanie Cole has been named the world's sexiest woman by readers of FHM magazine, beating off Megan Fox, Jessica Alba and Britney Spears to the top spot. Nearly 10 million votes were cast globally in the poll, now in its 15th year.
The 68-year-old hottie, who hails from Solihull, has appeared in a host of sitcoms, including 'Waiting for God', and already has an O.B.E., but says this latest accolade won't affect her plans for the immediate future.

Life imitates Art?

In a bizarre story that sees the worst excesses of Hollywood hacks come true, a Qantas flight from Alice Springs to Melbourne was grounded earlier after four baby pythons escaped from their container in the aircraft's hold.
They were among 12 Stimson's pythons being transported, and at first it was thought that the other snakes had eaten them, but this was discounted after they were weighed on landing.
After transferring the passengers to another jet, the plane was fumigated, although the snakes' bodies are yet to be found.
"They're not endangered so a decision was made to fumigate...if these snakes turn up they will be very much dead motherfucking snakes," said Samuel L. Jackson of Qantas.
In other sad news, broadcaster, politician, chef, wit and raconteur Sir Clement Freud made his final slip today, as he passed away at his London home just nine days short of his 85th birthday. 'Just A Minute' will never be the same again.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Snakes On A Plane (2006) -

Not since 'Airplane II'
Have so many laughs been had
Aboard an aircraft!

I-i-i-in 1!

Jim Bowen has finally been released from prison after serving 27 years behind bars for ABH (annoying Bullseye host). The Court of Appeal overruled his original conviction, declaring it "unsafe" due to new DNA evidence.
He has claimed compensation for wrongful imprisonment, which the Justice Secretary Jack Straw will be counting out during the commercial break.

Make up your own jokes...

A new study, conducted on behalf of Natural England and the People's Trust for Endangered Species, has suggested that the re-introduction of beavers into the UK could "benefit the environment". Professor John Gurnell, of Queen Mary College, University of London and one of the report's authors, said beavers acted as "ecosystem engineers" and could provide many benefits, including alleviating risks of both flooding and drought, boosting water quality and helping wildlife and agriculture.
He added that there was no evidence beavers spread disease, which seems incredibly irresponsible given the government's current ad campaigns on the dangers of STDs. Next thing you know the Pope will be suggesting that condoms actually increase the spread of HIV/AIDS.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The Dam Busters (1955) -

True story of war
And casual racism.
Bombed in Germany.

Apologies...

Many apologies are due to a Mr Josef Fritzl of Austria, whose picture was accidentally featured in the previous blog about Chris Tarrant (pictured). It should be pointed out that Mr Fritzl is not guilty of any assaults committed in Esher and has never tortured children publicly on television. Furthermore, he has no connection with the aforementioned 'monster', Chris Tarrant.
We are very sorry for any distress this mistake may have caused and hope that this statement will help to rectify the matter.

Saturday night's alright for fighting...

Quiz host and doyen of Saturday night television, Chris Tarrant (pictured), was arrested on Thursday after police were called to a domestic dispute at his Esher home. The 62-year-old was questioned by officers after a woman claimed she had been assaulted, although he was later released without charge and Surrey Police said no further action was being taken. One wonders if this is yet another example of 'The Colour of Money', since Mr Tarrant has a record of assaulting innocent members of the public with custard pies and imprisoning minors in cages and then torturing them by throwing buckets of cold water over them on his once-popular show Tiswas. The jury is still out on this one.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Slumdog Millionaire (2008) -

Film based on game show
Conquers the Oscars. What next?
'Eggheads, the movie'!

What a relief!

Congratulations are in order for all those involved with this year's Comic Relief campaign, which last night raised a record-breaking £57,809,938 for charity. As usual with these benefits the standard of the actual skits performed was of variable quality, with highlights coming from 'Gavin and Stacey's Smithy (James Corden) berating the England football team, and French and Saunders performing their last ever sketch, a pastiche of 'Mamma Mia!', but a series of sketches set in Africa being particularly unfunny; who writes these things?
The evening was not without controversy, however, as the usually meek Angus Deayton 'buggered' Davina McCall some two hours before the watershed.
What is quite miraculous though is that even in these times of economic strife the great British public can reach deep into their collective pocket to raise such a massive amount for others. Prime Minister Gordon 'Aloysius' Brown has taken note, and later today plans a sponsored climb to the top of the G20 summit. Good luck and godspeed to you, sir.
On the subject of God, Pope Benito XVI this week admitted that he was wrong to lift the excommunication of a bishop who had denied the Holocaust. He stated that insufficient background checks had been made on Bishop Richard Williamson by the Vatican, and that in future more attention would be paid to the Internet as a source of information; a new website, called Wikipaedophile, is also planned.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Sweet Charity (1969) -

What more could you want?
Whores in song and dance numbers -
It's the Fosse way.

Goody, Goody, Yum, Yum...

It gave me great pleasure the other day to be able to relax the conditions of Jack Tweed's curfew so that he can fulfill his conjugal responsibilities after his wedding to Jade Goody today. As a valuable contributor to society, it is only right that he should be extended every leniency on this, his happy day.
On the subject of racism, many of you will have seen my appearance on The Politics Show this morning, in which I claimed that The Metropolitan Police is no longer institutionally racist. This, of course, was a slip of the tongue and a bit of a political faux pas. What I meant to say was that, while the institution of The Met is not racist per se, I cannot be held personally responsible for the political beliefs of every officer in its employ. Whilst I am not trying to duck the issue, I am fully aware that policemen, and even some policewomen, are people too, and as such are entitled to the same prejudices and ignorance as the rest of us. I hope that clears everything up.

Jack Straw

Today's Haiku Film Review:

There Will Be Blood (2007) -

Another moustache
For Daniel Day-Lewis.
What next? Mohican?

Got a light, Mac?

I'm back in the saddle again, so to speak, after an enforced absence due to an attempted military coup led by my former Minister of the Interior, Rambling Syd Rumpo. Silly sausage! Still, while I remain firmly ensconced 'on the throne', he is now ministering to the interior of a concrete support under the Westway.

Shocking news was revealed today of the results of a 28-year study conducted by NHS Health Scotland in Paisley and Renfrew. It appears that smoking is bad for your health. Yes folks, who would have guessed that non-smokers on average live longer than smokers!
This startling discovery comes hot on the heels of another interesting research project which revealed that watching too much TV increases age-related memory loss. The American study suggested that as you get older, engaging in cognitive exercise, like reading a book, is more likely to protect against future memory impairment than vegetating in front of the goggle-box for hours on end.
Anyway, I must go now as 'To Buy Or Not To Buy' is just about to start. Now, where did I put my fags?

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Smoke (1995) -

Cigar store wisdom
Dispensed with verve and humour
And never austere.

Captive audience...

Here at the Ministry of Justice (sic) we are delighted to announce the inauguration of a new prison radio service, to be rolled out across the country in over 140 prisons. It comes in at a bargain cost of just £2m, which is easily covered by the £17m a year we are currently saving by keeping prisoners locked up all day. We are yet to finalise details of the DJ line-up for the service, but are in discussions with Dave Lee Travis, Sir Jimmy Saville and Russell Brand, who we understand are all in need of some work at the moment (on the strict proviso that this would not contravene international law on the treatment of prisoners).

Jack 'Dr Demento' Straw

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The Shawshank Redemption (1994) -

A lot of Shawshank
Before you get redemption.
Still, a masterpiece.

Star Trek: I Will Survive

Just a wee treat for my subjects!

Come in number 6, you're time is up...

It is with deep regret that I report the death of Patrick McGoohan, much-respected actor and creator of 'The Prisoner', who passed away aged 80 after a short illness. His credits included 'Danger Man', 'Columbo' (for which he won two Emmies) and 'Scanners'; the world of cult entertainment is a poorer place without him. He has gone to that Village in the sky.





Today's Haiku Film Review:

Scanners (1981) -

Warning: Danger, man!
Cronenberg's body horror
Makes your head explode.

Another right royal race row...

The knives are out for HRH Charles, Ponce of Wales, for using the nickname 'Sooty' in reference to Asian 'friend' Kolin Dhillon, from the Cirencester Polo Club. Mr Dhillon has yet to make a public statement, but did whisper in the ear of confidant Harry Corbett that he was not offended and would not Sue, but wanted to make a clean Sweep of things. It appears, however, that the soubriquet has nothing to do with the gentleman's race, but is simply a reference to the fact that the entire team stick their hands up his arse in the showers after each game.
The scandal comes hot on the heels of the outrage caused by Prince Harry, publicly condemned for calling a former Army colleague 'Paki'. The young prince is, of course, no stranger to controversy, having attended a fancy-dress party as a Nazi in 2005. It must run in the family (assuming that Charles is actually his father); not that the Duke of Edinburgh has ever made any racially insensitive comments or, indeed, ordered any assassinations.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Prince Of The City (1981) -

As in Serpico,
Police corruption is rife.
A treat for Treat fans.

Dave Dee dozy...

...actually he's dead. The 65-year-old singer died yesterday after a three-year battle with cancer. He is survived by his wife Sandra and sons, Jack and Norman. (Sorry, is this in really bad taste?)

I don't quite know just where to start today: there are so many bizarre stories in the news. First, there's the tale of Andre Thomas, the Texas death row inmate who plucked out and ate his own eye - extraordinary enough, you might think, but made even more peculiar when you consider this is the second time he has done this. Needles to say his legal team maintain that he is insane. Perhaps rather than execution he should be transferred to Gaza (geddit?).

Leading Tory youth activist Matthew Lewis has been expelled from the party after attending a New Year's Eve bash dressed as Madeleine McCann and then bragging about it on Farcebook. His costume included a blonde wig, "pink pyjamas, a teddy bear and a vial of fake blood". Other figures from Conservative Future joined in the joke, with one responding: "Is this a cunning (Baldrick style) plan to obtain the reward money?" He has since publicly apologised for his totally inappropriate and offensive actions - imagine thinking that joining the Conservative Party would be funny!

Finally, there's news that Winnie-the-Pooh is to return after an absence of nearly 80 years, despite the fact that author A. A. Milne died in 1956. In 'Return to Hundred Acre Wood', writer David Benedictus has stuck close to the spirit and quality of the original books, whilst subtly bringing them into the 21st century; Pooh is now addicted to smack rather than honey, Eeyore suffers from bipolar disorder and Tigger is a hyperactive coke-fiend. Christopher Robin, however, remains gay.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Xanadu (1980) -

Did Gene Kelly and
Olivia Neutron-Bomb
Bother with the script?

No go for BoJo...

It appears that out illustrious mayor, Dame Boris 'Magic' Johnson, has been hoist by his own petard this week by failing to pay the congestion charge. He "totally forgot" to pay the £8-a-day charge in the required 48 hours after he drove into central London last month. "I got done by my own system," he told BBC London 94.9. "Bing! I got a £60 fine which I have just coughed up."
It's just as well nobody else saw him swigging White Lightning from a brown paper bag last Tuesday on the number 316 bus to Neasden. His sister Ulrika-ka-ka remains incarcerated in the Celebrity Big Brother house.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The Charge Of The Light Brigade (1968) -

What more can I say?
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

Goodness Gracious...

News from Down Under now as an Australian woman has been charged with murder after allegedly setting fire to her husband's genitalia. After seeing him hug another woman, 44-year-old Rajini Narayan suspected him of having an affair, and so covered his parts in an alcohol-based solvent whilst he slept, before lighting the blue touch-paper and retiring. Unfortunately he awoke and in his panic knocked over the bottle of solvent, which resulted in a blaze that destroyed their home and adjacent properties, as well as taking the poor man's life. She awaits psychiatric evaluation. Burger King are reportedly thinking about taking legal action as they own the copyright on the 'flame-grilled whopper'.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Great Balls Of Fire! (1989) -

Jerry Lee Lewis:
Incestuous paedophile,
Or Rock 'n' Roll god?

It's back for 2009...

...bigger and better than before! I refer, of course, to the World of Gruntfuttock, which returns after a brief hiatus over the festive period. Not that I've been idle, mind you; my plans for global domination are coming on apace, as evinced by my recent successful destruction of the capitalist markets, my stranglehold on the Ukraine by withdrawal of gas (ostensibly for non-payment of bills, although I didn't even send them a final demand) and my invasion of Gaza (he's never been the same since his run in with Vinnie Jones).

To more serious matters, and the new series of 'Celebrity' Big Brother commenced this week to the delight and dismay of many. A quick run down of the participants (and, let's face it, many of them should be) reveals that this year's intake is as disparate and desperate as ever, and should lead to no beginning of entertaining scenarios. First in was LaToya Jackson, all squeaky and chiselled, who appears to be as insane as the rest of her brood, closely followed by Muttya, the 'Sugababe' everyone loves to hate. Then came Verne Troyer, who is a shoe-in to win because women find him "sooo cute" in a rather patronising way, and Tommy Sheridan, infamous Scottish communist, most well known for recording with The Beatles. Next was self-proclaimed "Tory-bird" Lucy Pinder (did anyone else notice Verne's face light up upon her entry?) with Ben Adams, apparently the offspring of some arterial thoroughfare, close behind. A personal favourite, actress Tina Malone came next; who knows what fun is to be had watching her struggle with her OCD and bipolarism. Fish-out-of-water Coolio followed, looking thoroughly puzzled by the whole affair, with failed 'Popstar' Michelle Heaton in tow. Finally, two stalwarts of British broadcasting appeared: the ever-detestable Terry Christian of 'Word' fame (lions, anyone?) and the ever-pregnant Ulrika-ka-ka Jonsson.
I look forward to three weeks of non-stop, knockabout fun, safe in the knowledge that whilst that lot are in the BB house I can safely watch the other channels without seeing any of their ugly mugs.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Series 7: The Contenders (2001) -

Satirical view
of reality TV.
Bring on the real thing!