Saturday, 27 December 2008

Festivus Greetings...

A belated Merry Festivus to all my friends and followers. May your Horn of Plenty overflow with a cornucopia of wonders in the forthcoming year, credit permitting.
R.I.P. Harold Pinter, Eartha Kitt and Woolies.

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

One step forward, two steps back...

As head of the Catholic Church, Pope Benito XVI chose to cement his reputation in his end-of-year speech to senior Vatican staff yesterday. He stated that saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behaviour was just as important as saving the rainforest from destruction, and that gender theory blurred the distinction between male and female and could thus lead to the "self-destruction" of the human race.
Pretty rich coming from an 81-year-old bachelor who spends all his time wearing a dress! Just remember, POPE backwards spells EPOP, which is a four-letter word beginning with E, as is EVIL; coincidence? I don't think so!

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Tootsie (1982) -

Hoffman cross-dresses
To get the job of his dreams.
'Why not try acting?'

Monday, 22 December 2008

Baz - how low can you go?

With little else to do, I decided to take myself off to see the new sprawling epic 'Baz Luhrmann's Austria'. This Viennese whirl of a film covers a delicate period in Austria's recent history, incorporating touchy subjects such as racism, unlawful imprisonment and world domination. It features acting luminaries Romy Schneider, as Mrs Hitler, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, as Josef Fritzl.
I, for one, fail to see what all the fuss made over this film is about, with its delicate portrayal of a nation yet to apologise for its role in the Second World War.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Moulin Rouge! (2001) -

A mess of a film!
Oscar winner perhaps, but
Don't let actors sing.

Sunday, 21 December 2008

Do it druid...

In ancient times...
Hundreds of years before the dawn of history
Lived a strange race of people... the Druids

No one knows who they were or what they were doing
But their legacy remains
Hewn into the living rock... Of Stonehenge

Stonehenge! Where the demons dwell
Where the banshees live and they do live well
Stonehenge! Where a man's a man
And the children dance to the Pipes of Pan


Stonehenge! 'Tis a magic place
Where the moon doth rise with a dragon's face
Stonehenge! Where the virgins lie
And the prayers of devils fill the midnight sky

And you my love, won't you take my hand?
We'll go back in time to that mystic land
Where the dew drops cry and the cats meow
I will take you there, I will show you how


And oh how they danced
The little children of Stonehenge
Beneath the haunted moon
For fear that daybreak might come too soon

And where are they now?
The little people of Stonehenge
And what would they say to us?
If we were here... tonight

Lyrics courtesy of Spinal Tap

Saturday, 20 December 2008

The Smell of Fear...

The latest scent to hit the Christmas market, released by fast-food chain Burger King, is called 'Flame' and is described as "the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat". The spray is available from their website for only $3.99, less than the price of an Angus Burger meal. Expect the imminent release of 'Fry Karate' from McDonalds and 'CKFC One' from Kentucky Fried Sicken.

Also in the news, the Scottish Parliament are to consider a motion to honour the famous 'Scottish' group AC/DC, for their contribution to rock music. Many politicians are of course familiar with the concept of 'Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap'.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Super Size Me (2004) -

Morgan Spurlock makes
A film of epic portions.
You want fries with that?

Friday, 19 December 2008

Brogue rogue in vogue...

Iraqi journalist and amateur topiarist Muntazer Al Zaidi, who on Sunday attempted to trim George W. Bush down to size with a flying size-ten shoe, has become the toast of the Arab world (or should that be the pitta?) Although he could face up to 15 years imprisonment for the act, much support has been flooding in, including an extraordinary offer - Egyptian Saad Gumaa has offered the hand of his 20-year-old daughter, Amal, currently studying at university. It is as yet unclear as to whether this is a genuine proposal of marriage, or if she is simply a convicted shoplifter looking for an easy 'hand-out'!

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The Beast With Five Fingers (1946) -

Deceased pianist
Lends hand to secretary
As severance pay.

Thursday, 18 December 2008


Firstly, let me say sorry to my many subjects for my absence over the last week; this was due, in part, to an attack of the dreaded lurgy, coupled with terminal (geddit?) laziness.

To start with I have sad news: the passing of comedy legend Jack Douglas this morning at his Isle of Wight home. The 81-year-old actor was a stalwart of the 'Carry On' movies and regular TV stooge. Finally he is at rest.

Today also saw the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, start a controversial public fist-fight with Prime Minister Gordon Aloysius Brown. 'Rowing Rowan' began by calling the PM a 'drug addict', to which Gordon responded by slyly suggesting the church was being hypocritical by "walking by on the other side". The Archbish then offered him outside, and this was followed by a punch-up in which he used his crook to give the former chancellor a red box. Both men are now recovering in hospital and the police say they will be bringing charges as soon as they can be held accountable for their own actions.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Serpico (1973) -

Undercover Al,
Exposing corrupt coppers,
Ends up brass-rubbing.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Retails from the Darkside...

Mass carnage ensued today as failed retailer Woolworths started its closing down sale, encouraging thousands of chiselers to join the hordes of shoplifters amongst the sticky pick 'n' mix and cheap plastic toys. 30,000 staff across 813 stores are looking forward to a blue Christmas as administrators Deloitte announced the sale after saying it had so far failed to find a buyer for the struggling firm.
Meanwhile, Tesco has announced a huge 50% price slash on Christmas goods, starting on Friday, in an attempt to inject some of the joy back into the festive season. Commercial director Richard Brasher said: "Some say that a bit of the pleasure they usually get from buying gifts has gone in the current climate. They've told us they still want to enjoy a special Christmas - with big presents for their children and a proper Christmas meal - but they want us to help make their money go further." Sounds more like they're trying to put the 'con' back into 'consumption' to me.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Jingle All The Way (1996) -

Two fathers, one toy.
Turbo Man action figure?
Or retailer's dream?

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Oliver PostMortem...

Tragedy struck yesterday as beloved children's animator, Oliver Postgate, died, aged 83, in a nursing home in Kent; it took staff some time to notice, as they were unsure if he was just moving very slowly, frame-by-frame.
His work, including 'Ivor the Engine', 'Noggin the Nog' (still illegal in many countries), 'The Clangers' and of course 'Bagpuss', will be remembered by many generations for its strangeness and gentle humour, although it was not completely untouched by controversy - an election special of 'The Clangers', called 'Vote for froglet', shown in 1974 was subsequently 'lost', in a scandal labelled 'Postgategate'.
The pall-bearers are likely to be the mice from 'Bagpuss' (who coincidentally celebrate their 40th birthdays today), who will lift the coffin aloft and chant "We will fix it, we will fix it."

In related news, the keepers of the world's atomic clocks have decided to add a leap-second to this year, to compensate for a slowing down of the Earth's rotation, making it the longest year since 1992. The change, however, comes too late for poor Mr Postgate, who could have had an extra 24 frames of life.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Re-Animator (1985) -

Stuart Gordon's take
On H P Lovecraft's classic
Is simply gore-geous.

Monday, 8 December 2008

Acropolis Now...

The spirit of 1968 lives on with a third day of rioting in Greece's major cities following the fatal shooting of a 15-year-old student by police on Saturday. Prime Minister Costas Karamanlis has appealed for calm in a television broadcast, and is blaming political opposition parties for capitalising on the tragedy. Unfortunately, the rioting has caused massive amounts of damage, leaving much of Athens in ruins.

Also in the news, patience is clearly a virtue as US heiress Martha von Bulow has finally died after spending nearly three decades in a coma, which was proved not to have been caused by an overdose of insulin administered by her ex-husband. An early present from Santa, Claus?

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Apocalypse Now (1979) -

War really is hell -
Over-budget, over-long
And overrated!

Sunday, 7 December 2008

Bog trotters...

Shock news today as all Irish pork products have been recalled from sale in the UK. The recall comes after routine testing found that meat from 9 farms was contaminated with a Welsh toxin called Di Oxin. Although brief exposure to the toxin is not thought to be harmful, the FSA (Financial Services Authority) has stated that prolonged exposure could lead to a propensity to eat leeks and sing in a male voice choir. This latest food scare couldn't come at a worse time for Irish farmers, already hit by the international credit crisis, who are now ham-strung and are looking to their government to save their bacon. Labour Party spokesman on agriculture and food, Sean Sherlock, said "the announcement amounts to a threat to the overall viability of our food industry, as great as, if not greater than, the outbreaks of BSE and of foot and mouth." No shit, Sherlock!

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Babe (1995) -

All joking aside,
If you don't end up in tears,
You ain't got a heart.

Saturday, 6 December 2008

Warning: Giving Up Football May Be Hazardous To Your Health

Reports are coming in that former Wales and Wimbledon midfielder Vinnie Jones has been injured in a bar-room brawl in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. The 'crazy gangster' was apparently treated in hospital for a laceration to the head and nasal injuries after he was glassed in the face when a fight broke out. What a pity Dennis Wise doesn't live in the States.

In lighter news, former American football star OJ Simpson was sentenced yesterday for his part in an armed robbery to retrieve memorabilia he claimed belonged to him from two dealers. The sentence is for up to 33 years, of which he will serve a minimum of 9. Touchdown!

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The Mean Machine (2001) -

Vinnie stars in crap
Remake of 'The Longest Yard'.
Life imitates art?

Friday, 5 December 2008

Abbott and Portillo meet Frankenstein...

I was alarmed last night, whilst watching BBC1's 'This Week', to learn that we are on the verge of a full-blown constitutional crisis, the like of which has not been seen since the civil war. According to historian and curmudgeon David Starkey (known as Ringo to his friend), last week's literally unwarranted arrest of Tory MP Damian Green by 'anti-terrorist' police could be the first step in a descent into some kind of Stalinist purge, as Gordon Aloysius Brown attempts to silence his critics and the clunking fist gets revenge for the 'cash for honours' row.
I, for one, am looking forward to Lord Mandelson's New Model Army marching on Parliament to declare that the current economic crisis is no place for David Cameron's cavalier attitude to policy making.

In other news, George O'Dowd, better known as Boy George, was found guilty earlier today of the false imprisonment of rent boy, sorry, male escort, Audun Carlsen, and is likely to face jail-time when he is sentenced in January.
In a statement, as yet unreleased, George said: "Maybe I'm a fool but You know I'm not crazy; White boys can't control it. I'd better Come clean - I'm afraid of me. This is Mistake no. 3, but If the Lord can forgive, I'll do my Time. We're all Victims here. Do you really want to hurt me?"

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) -

Three classic monsters
In one hokey comedy.
The House of Commons?

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Moore's the pity...

According to the Hollywood Reporter, disgraced British 'comedian' Russell Brand is busy developing a remake of the 1981 film 'Arthur', in which he intends to take the role originally played by Dudley Moore, may he rest in peace. One can only assume that this is meant to be ironic casting, which is bound to lead to a cast-iron box office flop (or should that be fop).
Well Russell, if that's 'The Best That You Can Do', perhaps you should stick to making obscene phone calls to OAPs and leave the grave-robbing to Brendan Fraser.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Arthur (1981) -

Moore is the rich drunk
Who falls for Minnelli's charms.
The butler did it.

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Des O'Connor to knight?

Aged entertainer Des O'Connor was honoured by the Queen earlier today for over 45 years of services to show business. She presented him with a CBE; the other six letters are to follow.
The 76-year-old presenter took his 39-year-old wife up the palace and was consequently too tired to sing for the Her Majesty, royal officials were relieved to report.

Brian Paddick leaves jungle...

Actually, this story is about radical cleric Omar Mahmoud Mohammed Othman, otherwise known as Abu Qatada, described by a judge as "Osama bin Laden's right-hand man in Europe". Out on bail awaiting a deportation hearing, Qatada has been sent back to jail after an immigration court ruled that he breached the terms of that bail. The court heard that he had been secretly plotting to leave Britain, but today's judgment ensures that we are now one step closer to having him deported. Another victory for British justice!

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Twelve Angry Men (1957) -

Jury room drama
In which Henry Fonda asks
'Is it possible?'