As head of the Catholic Church, Pope Benito XVI chose to cement his reputation in his end-of-year speech to senior Vatican staff yesterday. He stated that saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behaviour was just as important as saving the rainforest from destruction, and that gender theory blurred the distinction between male and female and could thus lead to the "self-destruction" of the human race.
With little else to do, I decided to take myself off to see the new sprawling epic 'Baz Luhrmann's Austria'. This Viennese whirl of a film covers a delicate period in Austria's recent history, incorporating touchy subjects such as racism, unlawful imprisonment and world domination. It features acting luminaries Romy Schneider, as Mrs Hitler, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, as Josef Fritzl.
The latest scent to hit the Christmas market, released by fast-food chain Burger King, is called 'Flame' and is described as "the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat". The spray is available from their website for only $3.99, less than the price of an Angus Burger meal. Expect the imminent release of 'Fry Karate' from McDonalds and 'CKFC One' from Kentucky Fried Sicken.
Iraqi journalist and amateur topiarist Muntazer Al Zaidi, who on Sunday attempted to trim George W. Bush down to size with a flying size-ten shoe, has become the toast of the Arab world (or should that be the pitta?) Although he could face up to 15 years imprisonment for the act, much support has been flooding in, including an extraordinary offer - Egyptian Saad Gumaa has offered the hand of his 20-year-old daughter, Amal, currently studying at university. It is as yet unclear as to whether this is a genuine proposal of marriage, or if she is simply a convicted shoplifter looking for an easy 'hand-out'!
To start with I have sad news: the passing of comedy legend Jack Douglas this morning at his Isle of Wight home. The 81-year-old actor was a stalwart of the 'Carry On' movies and regular TV stooge. Finally he is at rest.
Mass carnage ensued today as failed retailer Woolworths started its closing down sale, encouraging thousands of chiselers to join the hordes of shoplifters amongst the sticky pick 'n' mix and cheap plastic toys. 30,000 staff across 813 stores are looking forward to a blue Christmas as administrators Deloitte announced the sale after saying it had so far failed to find a buyer for the struggling firm.
Tragedy struck yesterday as beloved children's animator, Oliver Postgate, died, aged 83, in a nursing home in Kent; it took staff some time to notice, as they were unsure if he was just moving very slowly, frame-by-frame.
The spirit of 1968 lives on with a third day of rioting in Greece's major cities following the fatal shooting of a 15-year-old student by police on Saturday. Prime Minister Costas Karamanlis has appealed for calm in a television broadcast, and is blaming political opposition parties for capitalising on the tragedy. Unfortunately, the rioting has caused massive amounts of damage, leaving much of Athens in ruins.
Shock news today as all Irish pork products have been recalled from sale in the UK. The recall comes after routine testing found that meat from 9 farms was contaminated with a Welsh toxin called Di Oxin. Although brief exposure to the toxin is not thought to be harmful, the FSA (Financial Services Authority) has stated that prolonged exposure could lead to a propensity to eat leeks and sing in a male voice choir. This latest food scare couldn't come at a worse time for Irish farmers, already hit by the international credit crisis, who are now ham-strung and are looking to their government to save their bacon. Labour Party spokesman on agriculture and food, Sean Sherlock, said "the announcement amounts to a threat to the overall viability of our food industry, as great as, if not greater than, the outbreaks of BSE and of foot and mouth." No shit, Sherlock!
Reports are coming in that former Wales and Wimbledon midfielder Vinnie Jones has been injured in a bar-room brawl in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. The 'crazy gangster' was apparently treated in hospital for a laceration to the head and nasal injuries after he was glassed in the face when a fight broke out. What a pity Dennis Wise doesn't live in the States.
I was alarmed last night, whilst watching BBC1's 'This Week', to learn that we are on the verge of a full-blown constitutional crisis, the like of which has not been seen since the civil war. According to historian and curmudgeon David Starkey (known as Ringo to his friend), last week's literally unwarranted arrest of Tory MP Damian Green by 'anti-terrorist' police could be the first step in a descent into some kind of Stalinist purge, as Gordon Aloysius Brown attempts to silence his critics and the clunking fist gets revenge for the 'cash for honours' row.
In other news, George O'Dowd, better known as Boy George, was found guilty earlier today of the false imprisonment of rent boy, sorry, male escort, Audun Carlsen, and is likely to face jail-time when he is sentenced in January.
According to the Hollywood Reporter, disgraced British 'comedian' Russell Brand is busy developing a remake of the 1981 film 'Arthur', in which he intends to take the role originally played by Dudley Moore, may he rest in peace. One can only assume that this is meant to be ironic casting, which is bound to lead to a cast-iron box office flop (or should that be fop).
Aged entertainer Des O'Connor was honoured by the Queen earlier today for over 45 years of services to show business. She presented him with a CBE; the other six letters are to follow.
Actually, this story is about radical cleric Omar Mahmoud Mohammed Othman, otherwise known as Abu Qatada, described by a judge as "Osama bin Laden's right-hand man in Europe". Out on bail awaiting a deportation hearing, Qatada has been sent back to jail after an immigration court ruled that he breached the terms of that bail. The court heard that he had been secretly plotting to leave Britain, but today's judgment ensures that we are now one step closer to having him deported. Another victory for British justice!
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