Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Captive audience...

Here at the Ministry of Justice (sic) we are delighted to announce the inauguration of a new prison radio service, to be rolled out across the country in over 140 prisons. It comes in at a bargain cost of just £2m, which is easily covered by the £17m a year we are currently saving by keeping prisoners locked up all day. We are yet to finalise details of the DJ line-up for the service, but are in discussions with Dave Lee Travis, Sir Jimmy Saville and Russell Brand, who we understand are all in need of some work at the moment (on the strict proviso that this would not contravene international law on the treatment of prisoners).

Jack 'Dr Demento' Straw

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The Shawshank Redemption (1994) -

A lot of Shawshank
Before you get redemption.
Still, a masterpiece.

Saturday, 17 January 2009

Star Trek: I Will Survive

Just a wee treat for my subjects!

Thursday, 15 January 2009

Come in number 6, you're time is up...

It is with deep regret that I report the death of Patrick McGoohan, much-respected actor and creator of 'The Prisoner', who passed away aged 80 after a short illness. His credits included 'Danger Man', 'Columbo' (for which he won two Emmies) and 'Scanners'; the world of cult entertainment is a poorer place without him. He has gone to that Village in the sky.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Scanners (1981) -

Warning: Danger, man!
Cronenberg's body horror
Makes your head explode.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Another right royal race row...

The knives are out for HRH Charles, Ponce of Wales, for using the nickname 'Sooty' in reference to Asian 'friend' Kolin Dhillon, from the Cirencester Polo Club. Mr Dhillon has yet to make a public statement, but did whisper in the ear of confidant Harry Corbett that he was not offended and would not Sue, but wanted to make a clean Sweep of things. It appears, however, that the soubriquet has nothing to do with the gentleman's race, but is simply a reference to the fact that the entire team stick their hands up his arse in the showers after each game.
The scandal comes hot on the heels of the outrage caused by Prince Harry, publicly condemned for calling a former Army colleague 'Paki'. The young prince is, of course, no stranger to controversy, having attended a fancy-dress party as a Nazi in 2005. It must run in the family (assuming that Charles is actually his father); not that the Duke of Edinburgh has ever made any racially insensitive comments or, indeed, ordered any assassinations.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Prince Of The City (1981) -

As in Serpico,
Police corruption is rife.
A treat for Treat fans.

Saturday, 10 January 2009

Dave Dee dozy...

...actually he's dead. The 65-year-old singer died yesterday after a three-year battle with cancer. He is survived by his wife Sandra and sons, Jack and Norman. (Sorry, is this in really bad taste?)

I don't quite know just where to start today: there are so many bizarre stories in the news. First, there's the tale of Andre Thomas, the Texas death row inmate who plucked out and ate his own eye - extraordinary enough, you might think, but made even more peculiar when you consider this is the second time he has done this. Needles to say his legal team maintain that he is insane. Perhaps rather than execution he should be transferred to Gaza (geddit?).

Leading Tory youth activist Matthew Lewis has been expelled from the party after attending a New Year's Eve bash dressed as Madeleine McCann and then bragging about it on Farcebook. His costume included a blonde wig, "pink pyjamas, a teddy bear and a vial of fake blood". Other figures from Conservative Future joined in the joke, with one responding: "Is this a cunning (Baldrick style) plan to obtain the reward money?" He has since publicly apologised for his totally inappropriate and offensive actions - imagine thinking that joining the Conservative Party would be funny!

Finally, there's news that Winnie-the-Pooh is to return after an absence of nearly 80 years, despite the fact that author A. A. Milne died in 1956. In 'Return to Hundred Acre Wood', writer David Benedictus has stuck close to the spirit and quality of the original books, whilst subtly bringing them into the 21st century; Pooh is now addicted to smack rather than honey, Eeyore suffers from bipolar disorder and Tigger is a hyperactive coke-fiend. Christopher Robin, however, remains gay.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Xanadu (1980) -

Did Gene Kelly and
Olivia Neutron-Bomb
Bother with the script?

Thursday, 8 January 2009

No go for BoJo...

It appears that out illustrious mayor, Dame Boris 'Magic' Johnson, has been hoist by his own petard this week by failing to pay the congestion charge. He "totally forgot" to pay the £8-a-day charge in the required 48 hours after he drove into central London last month. "I got done by my own system," he told BBC London 94.9. "Bing! I got a £60 fine which I have just coughed up."
It's just as well nobody else saw him swigging White Lightning from a brown paper bag last Tuesday on the number 316 bus to Neasden. His sister Ulrika-ka-ka remains incarcerated in the Celebrity Big Brother house.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The Charge Of The Light Brigade (1968) -

What more can I say?
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Goodness Gracious...

News from Down Under now as an Australian woman has been charged with murder after allegedly setting fire to her husband's genitalia. After seeing him hug another woman, 44-year-old Rajini Narayan suspected him of having an affair, and so covered his parts in an alcohol-based solvent whilst he slept, before lighting the blue touch-paper and retiring. Unfortunately he awoke and in his panic knocked over the bottle of solvent, which resulted in a blaze that destroyed their home and adjacent properties, as well as taking the poor man's life. She awaits psychiatric evaluation. Burger King are reportedly thinking about taking legal action as they own the copyright on the 'flame-grilled whopper'.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Great Balls Of Fire! (1989) -

Jerry Lee Lewis:
Incestuous paedophile,
Or Rock 'n' Roll god?

Sunday, 4 January 2009

It's back for 2009...

...bigger and better than before! I refer, of course, to the World of Gruntfuttock, which returns after a brief hiatus over the festive period. Not that I've been idle, mind you; my plans for global domination are coming on apace, as evinced by my recent successful destruction of the capitalist markets, my stranglehold on the Ukraine by withdrawal of gas (ostensibly for non-payment of bills, although I didn't even send them a final demand) and my invasion of Gaza (he's never been the same since his run in with Vinnie Jones).

To more serious matters, and the new series of 'Celebrity' Big Brother commenced this week to the delight and dismay of many. A quick run down of the participants (and, let's face it, many of them should be) reveals that this year's intake is as disparate and desperate as ever, and should lead to no beginning of entertaining scenarios. First in was LaToya Jackson, all squeaky and chiselled, who appears to be as insane as the rest of her brood, closely followed by Muttya, the 'Sugababe' everyone loves to hate. Then came Verne Troyer, who is a shoe-in to win because women find him "sooo cute" in a rather patronising way, and Tommy Sheridan, infamous Scottish communist, most well known for recording with The Beatles. Next was self-proclaimed "Tory-bird" Lucy Pinder (did anyone else notice Verne's face light up upon her entry?) with Ben Adams, apparently the offspring of some arterial thoroughfare, close behind. A personal favourite, actress Tina Malone came next; who knows what fun is to be had watching her struggle with her OCD and bipolarism. Fish-out-of-water Coolio followed, looking thoroughly puzzled by the whole affair, with failed 'Popstar' Michelle Heaton in tow. Finally, two stalwarts of British broadcasting appeared: the ever-detestable Terry Christian of 'Word' fame (lions, anyone?) and the ever-pregnant Ulrika-ka-ka Jonsson.
I look forward to three weeks of non-stop, knockabout fun, safe in the knowledge that whilst that lot are in the BB house I can safely watch the other channels without seeing any of their ugly mugs.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Series 7: The Contenders (2001) -

Satirical view
of reality TV.
Bring on the real thing!