Wednesday, 26 November 2008

What's Wool Worth?

You know the credit crunch has really hit when high street legends go to the wall; sure enough, today the retail arm of Woolworths has buckled and is in danger of going into administration. Having lost its market share to many competitors over the last few years, the strain of an enormous £385m debt has finally proved too much and widespread closures look inevitable, bringing redundancies to cuddly sheep and black-and-white dogs all over the country. This follows the news earlier today that furniture giant MFI has collapsed quicker than one of their wardrobes. Now where am I going to get my pick 'n' mix cupboards? Would you credit it!

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The Shop Around The Corner (1940) -

Effortless romance
With Jimmy Stewart on form.
'You've Got Mail' it ain't!

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Palin talking turkey...

Alaskan senator and former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has again courted controversy last week, whilst pardoning a turkey for Thanksgiving. After the brief ceremony designed to show her magnanimity, she then went on to give a press interview in which other poor birds can clearly be seen being slaughtered in the background. It almost makes you feel sorry for the woman!

Saturday, 22 November 2008

Blears' fears...

Communities Secretary Hazel Blears has called out for a renewed drive against the British Nazi Party, in The Guardian, following this week's leak of a list of the party's membership on the interweb. She blames 'local political failure' for an increase in the popularity of the BNP, under the leadership of Nick Gryffindor, stating that white working-class voters, disenchanted with the major parties, are starting to believe his "pernicious but plausible lies".
Now, don't get me wrong, my name and address are yet to appear on the list of BNP membership, but two points strike me immediately: firstly, isn't that a bit rich coming from a New Labour spokesperson (one only has to think of Mandy to appreciate the irony of the phrase "pernicious but plausible"), and secondly, it seems awfully condescending to the millions of sensible white working-class voters who would never dream of supporting an immoral thug like Griffin, whose views are so controversial he was even rejected as a character on Family Guy.
Instead of wasting energy on campaigning against the BNP, why not try doing something to address the concerns of the populace yourselves, and that way you might actually win more votes, steal their thunder and show them up for the ignorant bigots they actually are (that's the BNP, not the populace...I think).

Today's Haiku Film Review:

This Is England (2006) -

If this is England
I think I would emigrate -
The Eighties were crap!

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Carry on Sergeant...

Forget the worldwide credit crunch, the crisis in the Congo and Somaaarhli pirates, the big news story of the moment is the shock departure of former political journalist John Sergeant from BBC's 'Strictly Come Dancing'.
Far from being impartial, the 64-year-old ex-political editor at ITN has clearly shown his party leanings by displaying two Left feet over the last few weeks.
When asked to explain the reasons behind his decision to quit by Newsnight's Jeremy Paxman, he stated that the joke had worn too thin and the prospect that he might actually win was a frightening one; members of the parliamentary Conservative Party please take note.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Strictly Ballroom (1992) -

Actor Scott Hastings
Displays his many talents
With trousers this tight.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

New Bond film announced...

The latest addition to the successful Bond franchise has just been announced. Entitled 'Quantum of Wallace' it features the eponymous plasticine man as 007, Gromit as the gadget-master Q and Wendolene as Miss Moneypenny. As yet there isn't a plot, although this has not been much of a problem in the past, but the stunts and special effects work are expected to take 32 years of solid filming to complete, so expect it at a cinema near you in the summer of 2040!

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The Man With The Golden Gun (1974) -

Bond gets third nipple
And fights a midget butler;
As mad as it sounds!

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Poppadom found on the Moon...

Yes, the Indian Space Research Organisation has finally landed its first probe on the Moon. Following a bhoona in the Indian economy, they have been keen to show they have the raita stuff to compete with the major world powers in space exploration. But there were no astronauts aboard to receive a tikka tape parade on their return; the unmanned probe crashed-landed at the Moon's south pole, a veritable Gobi desert covered in craters.
A spokesman for the organisation stated: "I'm afraid it's outside our delivery area, we'll have to charge an extra £10".

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The Right Stuff (1983) -

According to Wolfe,
If the Moon landings were real
This is the story.

Friday, 7 November 2008

The evolution will not be televised...

A new poll of 1200 teachers, conducted by Teachers TV, has found that nearly a third think that creationism and intelligent design should be given the same status in science lessons as evolution. And 90% feel that they should be allowed to discuss the topics if asked by their pupils. They should, of course, not be banned from raising the subjects, and this author, for one, feels it is important that the subjects are raised, so that the teachers concerned can explain to the children how bloody stupid they are! What's next on the curriculum: flat-earth lessons in geography, holocaust denial in history, the comparative anatomies of fairies and unicorns? This is a matter of the highest gravity (or is that just a theory too now). Stick to teaching the scientific facts in science lessons, and leave the fairy tales to social studies (or whatever they're calling RE nowadays).

Today's Haiku Film Review:

One Million Years B.C. (1966) -

Exposed Raquel Welch
Explodes creationism
Fighting dinosaurs.

Thursday, 6 November 2008

Carry On Emanuel

President-elect Barack Obama has hit the ground running by starting to assemble his new administration already. His first act of business was to approach Illinois congressman Rahm Emanuel to be his chief-of-staff. Emanuel was a former advisor to Bill Clinton and is a big-hitter in Washington but, although he has not accepted the post yet, he is unlikely to be a popular choice due to his partisan brand of politics.
What with Obama being the inspiration for The West Wing's Matthew Santos and Emanuel for Josh Lyman, one wonders how many other semi-fictional characters will be appointed to the new US cabinet. Rahm's own brother Ari is the inspiration behind Ari Gold in Entourage, and would perhaps make a good Communications Director, and how about Bob Roberts for Secretary of State?

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Dave (1993) -

Presidential lapse
Spells double jeopardy for
Amiable Dave.

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Remember, remember, the 5th of November...

Appropriately enough there were fireworks in the House of Commons today, as Gordon 'Aloysius' Brown and 'Call me Dave' Cameron battled it out to see who could gain the most capital out of Barack Obama's historic victory in yesterday's US election. Our glorious leader claimed that Obama was a "serious man for serious times" and embodied the "progressive" values shared by Labour, but Master Cameron responded by contrasting the change with Labour's offer of "more of the same", and by throwing GBs comment about the present economic crisis being "no time for a novice" back in his face. Meanwhile, Scotland's First Minister Alex Salmond sent a message to Obama offering his "heartfelt congratulations", adding "Have you got 20 pence for a cup of tea?"
The honeymoon looks to be short-lived, however, as Borat Obama is allegedly already planning to invade North Korea, cut all ties with China, pull faces at Russia and entrust the running of the economy to Bjork.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

The American President (1995) -

Some wish fulfilment
As Douglas's president
Falls for Eco-chick.

Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Poll position...

As there isn't really anything important or interesting going on in the world today, I thought I'd give you the first in an occasional series of reports, filed under the title Haiku News:

When the chips are down,
The steaks are high for McCain,

Now, for today's Haiku Film Review:

Election (1999) -

Corruption, cheating,
Lying and under-age sex:
Ah, school was such fun.

Monday, 3 November 2008

Pizza leaves bad taste in the mouth...

New Zealand fast-food firm Hell's Pizza has come a-cropper over its latest advertising campaign, a Halloween special featuring the re-animated skeletons of Sir Edmund Hillary, Heath Ledger and the Queen Mum dancing to Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'. No stranger to controversy, the chain has pushed the barriers of good taste previously with adverts portraying Adolf Hitler doing a Nazi salute with a pizza in his hand, and by distributing condoms with its 'Lust' pizza (which were less rubbery than the bits of chicken on top).
A spokesman for the company has profusely apologised for any offence the marketing campaign may have caused, and hopes that their new effort, in which Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross repeatedly thrust pizza into the face of Andrew Sachs, will be less controversial.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Mystic Pizza (1988) -

Solely of note for
Julia Roberts' debut
And Mozzarella.