Sunday, 22 February 2009

Goody, Goody, Yum, Yum...

It gave me great pleasure the other day to be able to relax the conditions of Jack Tweed's curfew so that he can fulfill his conjugal responsibilities after his wedding to Jade Goody today. As a valuable contributor to society, it is only right that he should be extended every leniency on this, his happy day.
On the subject of racism, many of you will have seen my appearance on The Politics Show this morning, in which I claimed that The Metropolitan Police is no longer institutionally racist. This, of course, was a slip of the tongue and a bit of a political faux pas. What I meant to say was that, while the institution of The Met is not racist per se, I cannot be held personally responsible for the political beliefs of every officer in its employ. Whilst I am not trying to duck the issue, I am fully aware that policemen, and even some policewomen, are people too, and as such are entitled to the same prejudices and ignorance as the rest of us. I hope that clears everything up.

Jack Straw

Today's Haiku Film Review:

There Will Be Blood (2007) -

Another moustache
For Daniel Day-Lewis.
What next? Mohican?

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Got a light, Mac?

I'm back in the saddle again, so to speak, after an enforced absence due to an attempted military coup led by my former Minister of the Interior, Rambling Syd Rumpo. Silly sausage! Still, while I remain firmly ensconced 'on the throne', he is now ministering to the interior of a concrete support under the Westway.

Shocking news was revealed today of the results of a 28-year study conducted by NHS Health Scotland in Paisley and Renfrew. It appears that smoking is bad for your health. Yes folks, who would have guessed that non-smokers on average live longer than smokers!
This startling discovery comes hot on the heels of another interesting research project which revealed that watching too much TV increases age-related memory loss. The American study suggested that as you get older, engaging in cognitive exercise, like reading a book, is more likely to protect against future memory impairment than vegetating in front of the goggle-box for hours on end.
Anyway, I must go now as 'To Buy Or Not To Buy' is just about to start. Now, where did I put my fags?

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Smoke (1995) -

Cigar store wisdom
Dispensed with verve and humour
And never austere.